In the mind’s eye, a memoir on the road to blind spots. This is an entry in the going blind journal. If hopelessness ails you, join me in learning to laugh at yourself. “Looking in the mirror never had such a good view until I was blind.” —quote from my father after RP took his eyesight. Sometimes the mind’s eye gives a better vision.
Eyesight loss brings with it a new sort of anxiety. Fears of poking the baby in the eye, accidentally hitting a moving toddler, stepping on the preschoolers toes, colliding on the stairwell with a toddler, running into a half open door…. All these things have a sense of the “boogie” man in them. And a week or two ago it seemed every thing should happen all in the same week. Thank goodness everything passed with apologies and not much damage was done to any one person or any one thing. But surprises have never been a favorite thing in my life. It seems around every corner is a little tiny fairy-demon ready to shout “Oma-BOO!”
Electrical fence sensation syndrome is something that I never thought I would be experiencing. Some people with PTSD experience this quite frequently. A couple of years ago, my daughter and I both had to get through the unexpected shocks after our car accident. She and I both had the unexpected tremors for nearly six months. I had it more so than she, simply because my eyesight did not let me see all the upcoming traffic possibilities. But eventually, riding in the car did not produce such anxiety.
Then one day when my husband was home for the weekend, it happened again. I came around hte corner in the kitchen and his sudden presence sent the shock wave through my body. I became aware that my body was playing tricks on me. The ability to move freely about the house in the presence of another person was changing. And one day while at my daughter’s house my anxiety reached a peak that while putting my coffee cup under the Keurig spout, the sudden presence of her hand prepping the coffee receptacle made me jump. And the accompanying electrical shock that ran through my nervous system told me it was just time to sit down for a spell.
Things that go boo in the dark use to be a fun game that children played. Now, not so much. However, it’s the middle of the day half open doorway that provides the most excitement. Thank goodness the closet pantry door at my daughter’s house found my left wrist instead of my face!
The coral Kalanchoe in the library has surprised me with a hefty dose of blooms this winter. I was happy to see the flowers agains the snow outside. Though the snow is melting a little bit each day, the winter is still hanging on to the cold. I am thankful that I live where we are supposed to have winter weather. Those poor people in California with foot upon foot of snow do not know what to do with it all.
When the darkness closes in on me, still I will say “Blessed Be the Name of My Lord.” And it’s odd how the darkness is more of a foggy visual that should have more it the view finder that what I can actually see. The mind wants to fill in the blank places, but after awhile I realize the blanks are simply empty. Though I know there are people off to the right or the left, the void is still there. It makes one feel very ALONE in the crowd. Greeting time at church is one of those moments that makes me feel like a really old birch tree with sagging bark. I feel so rooted and decadent. While everyone else seems to move freely about laughing and sharing morning greetings, I am firmly planted. Another verse phrase that goes through my head is “I shall not be moved… though my eyesight fails me and the visions around me fade away… I shall not be moved.”
I finished my hat and mitten set from the lumpy homespun wool that I have had around for a few years. I kept trying different projects with it and finally decided to do a mosaic set. I am quite happy with the paring of acrylic yarn and wool also with the color pair. And it does fit and feel ever so warm. I really ought to stick to this idea.
Welders burn is not something I have ever had. And though I know nothing about welded the description of it’s effect suits me perfectly. Light sensitivity on some days requires me to wear sunglasses. The blurry vision hampers my hopes for a good day. The feeling that my eyes are dry or there is something in there making them itchy is both annoying and distracting.
I have been trying to make my good girl do more for me. But getting her to sit with me when I am cold is not one of her “loves.” Honey is much of what I wanted in a dog. She does well on the guide harness and will lead me in the dark even with just a collar grab. Honey also knows my asthma cues and will nudge me to the inhaler or rouse me when sleeping to get the oxygen flow back to normal with a puff on the rescue tube. Honey also is easily exercised with frisbee or a good game of “hide and seek.” She is content to eat in her own space and sleep on her own bed. The one thing she will not do is CUDDLE.
Day after day we head to the sofa for my morning coffee and devotional time. She almost always puts her back to me. Rarely she will put her head im my lap. And even the day care says that Honey will not take a good picture so she has never been the day care star!. We say that the phone, or the box is something she thinks that will “steal her soul>”. Now yes, I know an animal does not have a soul. But her spirit, maybe? Even when we go outside, she does not go out to be WITH us. Her first pick up is the frisbee. Out side to her means frisbee. Any thing else is just a disappointment.
In conclusion, I am not changing my call sign. the little three letter word is simply to easy to say for the grandees. I”ll try to keep a more steady actitvity rate and not run into things this week. And I also decided to switch up the shoes and get back to the healthier cross walk. I am simpy tired of winter, tired of snow, tired of cold, and am going to push the spring along a little bit by changing up the shoe choice. I’ll probably get cold. Oh, well.
Yvonne Annette 