Tag: mental battles

Not sure

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Hymn “Til the Storm Passes By…. Is the best humn for this season of our lives. Keep me safe in the Hallow of Thy Hand, O Lord. Just as we get one parent settled into senior living apartment, another parent calls in distress from the floor in the garage. How, Lord, are we to navigate this season of fall?

The song makes it seem so harmonious and peaceful, but the crashing thunder and the cloud of nerves and rain showers of tears are not pleasant at all. It’s hard to imagine that this hurricane force rain can produce any crop at all. Except perhaps maybe a catastrophic flood..

There is one word that I remember from childhood that through my little mind through an unknown loop. “Sure…”. Yep, I remember as a little girl loving tootsie roll candy so much. Whenever I was offered the candy it was so pleasant. Once when asked whether I wanted the candy, the comment was made, “Are you sure?” My poor little brain had never been asked such a thing before. Usually, my ‘yes’ was sufficient enough. Being asked this puzzling question was night to cruel. I just shrugged my shoulders in response. I did not know what SURE meant. My name was Yvonne. I was a little girl. I was with my daddy. I did not know SURE. This stumped me. From that day on the meaning of words became important to me. Of course, now I know. Yes, I am sure. I still want a tootsie roll candy please!

Last week while with my grand children, they were arguing over some trifle. I was near enough to hear a portion of the disagreement but not near enough to hear the beginning of the squabble. The six year old with a better grasp of language was asking the four year old about telling the truth. “Is that a lie?” No was the response. “Are you telling the truth?” A non committal shoulder shrug response. “Then you are telling a lie.” I am NOT!! Well, if you aren’t telling the truth then you are a liar.” I AM NOT! (You can see how it goes, a negative answer negates the correct response.). Well, sir, that’s the truth of the matter as I heard it. Poor four year old. The meaning of words is tough to learn.

When little kids argue, sometimes it is best to just let it all play out and see where there little minds are at. Of course that does not mean Oma will let them duke it out all of the time. But sometimes it’s good to see if the compromise will happen on its own. Often I hear a parent intervene while I am present. I wonder if they think I am just not being the adult here. Well, sometimes I am trying not to laugh at the expense of the possibly hurt child. Parents get involved quicker because of irritation and keeping peace in the presence of outsiders.

My children would go play with the Pastor’s children when they at about the six and four year old stage. One day while saying at the parsonage for an afternoon, the younger child and her age relative playmate got into an argument. The Pastor’s wife related the incident later to me. “Those aren’t letters, that’s just scribbles.” My daughter said to the playmate. His schooling as a boy was a little behind hers. And unfortunate for him, she was already reading and shaping her letters. “Are you calling me stupid?” Asked the youngster of her. His mother had to excuse herself to the bathroom to laugh abnout it.

Learning how to use the Entrelac Crochet Stitch is part of my “reading” time. I made a mobias shawl out of some repurposed yarn.

Finding balance during this working phase of “parent sitting” and grand kid sitting is hard. How do you spend time with all the right people? Who needs my attention the most at this point in life? And then there is the question of the needs of my own “sleeping” place. Right when you think the balance is being acheived, there is not an inch of TP in the house. Where did all the rolls go?

This past week we finally got the floating shelves up above the piano. After Painting a few years ago, we took the pictures all down and just never got anything put back up. Of course when I look up at the display, the first thing I notice, is that each shelf needs a plant. Only me would think a corner is incomplete without green! So I have another plant to find! I have an ivy or two outside right now that might work. As fall turns cool, they will be collected. Treated for bugs, the little plants will be just perfect for the top shelf.

One of the arrangements on the shelves over the piano. I will probably rearrange many times before I really like it and leave it alone between cleanings.

This week is significant in several ways. Just before school the rummage sale world has it’s last hurrah. Little girls are planing their last lemonade stands. Mothers are collecting bargains to outfit their kiddos. And fathers are busy gaining knowledge to propell their careers. And some children are planning how to keep parents in their home as long as possible. So many changes. Ramps, sinks, toilets, flooring, grab bars, and a flock of caregivers are being collected. I’m not sure fall will ever be the same again.

Right at the moment the clouds are threatening to loose their raindrops. I feel about the same. The damn holding back the tears is about to burst and a flood of new emotions will soon take over the once fertile plain. Here comes the darkness, the storm, the thunder… Lord HOLD ME FAST! I’m not sure I can stand up under the deluge.

Surrender

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Proverbs 17:1 “Better is a dry morsel with peace and quiet than a house full of feasting with anguish and strife.”

Surrender. A word one often associates with unique circumstances. Surrender your will. Surrender your hopes and dreams. Surrender your dog. Something I never thought that I would do.

The past month my life felt like anguish and strife constantly. Peace had so far eluded me that even night time was a battle for sleep. It took me over six weeks to discover the true problem.

The source of strife can be so elusive sometimes. She wanders away just when you think peace and enjoyment is about to be yours, strife strikes once again. The amount of strength and energy that it requires to strive after this constant battle is exhausting.

About a month ago, our Honey Doodle started to be bored and listless. She took the energy out of me just looking at her. Finally on Saturday morning the rope snapped. She had left me to do my watering and ran off to roll in something dead once again. My energy level was already zapped by allergies and asthma from the morning dew. I had just finished a phone call with my daughter. In my duty I reached to grab the frisbee and toss it for an attentive dog, only to smell that horrible stench. I snapped.

After about five minutes of being controlled by my anger, I collected Kona from his “little horse trailer” outdoor crate, and went into the house. My first call was my husband. I let him know what happened, that I had snapped, and that I was officially DONE.

My second call was to my sister to help get me down out of my anger volcano. The lava was everywhere. There was no turning back. I had spent six years trying to be a “strong” personality with this doodle dog and I could no longer do it. Being strong voiced, commanding and boisterous is not WHO I am. My energy level is minimal. I can not run six miles every day with a golden doodle. And that is what she needs.

Even throwing the frisbee for twenty minutes three times a day was not enough. She required more than I can give. My thought process included wondering if I could take care of Kona in the next ten years. I had not even been thinking that Honey was the source of my energy drain.

This morning when I heard the preacher on the radio talking about this Proverb, I was amazed at it’s timing. Does God really care that my dog and I did not get along? Does God know how sorry I really am that she was not the right fit for me and my anger was so easily roused by her every behavior?

I read the book last year about “Dog Mirrors” and how Honey was just being the mirror of my inner turmoil. Honestly there are some ways that may be true. Like my anxiety when going outdoors has been rather high this past two months. The allergies and asthma that drain my energy make me constantly wonder if the asthma will let me get back to the house before “black out” time. Well, I know she read anxiety as “anxious activity” and became more agitated and moved more herself.

Like when it was time to go somewhere and I was looking for my things, she would jump up and get RIGHT in the way. Her movements would always be just a few steps in from of me making me more and more agitated because she would block my way, block my view, or keep me from finding my shoes. It was SO NOT HELPFUL. And always made me more aggravated and I could never get her to STAY in one spot until I was ready.

Here’s a note if you are ever around a visual impaired person-Stop moving around all the time. If you can’t sit still to carry a conversation, don’t be friends with a peripherally challenged individual. I knew a gal one time that wanted to be helpful to me, but whenever we were together she behaved just like Honey. Always moving and I could never decipher where she was going to sit next. Rather than sitting in one chair and visiting, it’s like she was a honey bee checking the nectar level of every chair in my living room. I did not invite her back into my life.

So now that the dry morsel is peaceful to eat… shall we move on?

Surrendering my dog was not something I ever had in mind when I got that dog. But I am not the right fit. She is too exuberant in her greetings to strangers and I have NO CONTROL over her bad manners when people come to visit. Of course I haven’t much control over Charlie either, but he does not zoom around like his pants are on fire when someone comes to the acreage either. And he is very treat motivated. Cookies work to get him to come to me.

This week should be much more peaceful. As soon as I get to the chiropractor to fix all the things out in my back and shoulders from her bad behavior Saturday morning.

Kona looking out the window the day after

When I left her on Saturday, I felt like some great weight had been lifted from my back. We will have a few things to adjust to in the house or outside, but already I prefer the quieter life.

Sharing -Irth Day

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Yep that is purposely misspelled. Because something like a Christmas baby, or any other holiday, I share my birthday with Earth Day. And believe me I was never very happy about sharing my special day. So I wonder how other people share their special day with some holiday. Do you?

Well, as it turns out I was actually born in a snow storm and Earth Day was not dedicated as a holiday until a couple of years later. So does that make me older than dirt? What in the world is this holiday for anyways?

It was first decided upon to make people aware of the way that they were misusing and trashing the Earth. Well, maybe it should be a National Composting Day or something. That’s how I celebrated. I spent a few hours digging up the compost bin into some black trash cans so that it can “cook” and be ready to use as good fertilizer. Actually even though sometimes life hands you a bucket of worms they make the best soil for growing plants in.

So considering that the pile of compost was tomato, lettuce, broccoli stems and other refuse last year, this spring it was some of the most beautiful black soil that I have ever seen. So yeah, maybe I am older than dirt. So what?

Sharing my birthday with Earth Day usually means that I am ready to plant something. But spring is in full force here and all of the trees in the pollenating nature are making my asthma act up. So I kept my outside time to a minimum. Normally, I am pretty much of a minimalist anyways.

Yesterday while digging the compost soil into the trash bins, my life partner hubby threw Honey’s frisbee into the top of the Walnut tree. That made her pretty upset. She even barked at it for a while trying to get it to come down like the squirrels. I promised her that the wind would blow tomorrow (today) and that she would get it back soonb.

So this morning she kept watching out the front window to see if the frisbee had fallen down yet. When it did in the early morning, she barked like mad. Of course I was busy at the moment. When we went out a half hour later, Honey ran straight for the fallen frisbee. Well, I guess, she does understand some things!

-Irth Day should be pretty special really. The Earth has been pretty good to me today. I did not meet it once (in a fall) so I guess that answers that question. The asthma has made it questionable at times. And today I spent some time enjoying the tulips that I buried in the ground last fall. So the Earth has been nice for sure.

So, do you share your birthday with some other known holiday? How does it make you feel special? Or rather how does it make you feel like someone sabotaged your special day? How has the Earth been good to you this week?

Somethings in my life make it seem like the Earth has not been good to me. For instance all the diseases, allergies, and eyesight problems that I have experienced. But maybe that’s just genetics and the poor earth can’t be blamed for everything. And the scars that my body has can prove that the Earth’s gravitational pull has played a nasty number on me a few times also.

Psalm 90:12 ESV “So teach us to number our days that we nay have a heart of wisdom.”

My Broken Glass

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The other morning my return home greeting was dropping a small juice glass in my farm sink. Yep, it broke. Broken glass is not so bad to clean up when it is contained. I was careful in my search for all of the pieces and put them into the bottom of the still intact vintage glass. No cut fingers for me.

And today I feel much like that glass. Broken and useless. The message I heard on the radio was about spiritual warfare. How appropriate I think for how I feel. We have finally had some seasonal rain and now all the trees are budding and the grass and weeds are in full growth mode. My allergies took a nose dive into the tissue box and my head is in so much pain. Honey did not wake me up for my asthma need this morning, so I slept in until past nine.

“—A threefold cord is not quickly broken.” —Ecclesiastes 4:8b (ESV) The fourth chapter of Ecclesiastes has a lot of little nuggets in it. This is one of my favorite. In the passage, the wisdom is for people to work together in unity. Two people pulling in opposite directions are only striving after the wind. One person cannot stay warm on cold nights without an electric blanket. Two are better than one to defeat an assailant. So many little treasures of advice.

The last two Sundays I was blessed to go to church with my mother. The first week there was a missionary and the second week there were two baptisms. This same week a friend of ours shared a video of a testimony from another church in the same community. Seeing the Holy Spirit working in others lives is so uplifting. Staying the week with my mom and sister and her two little ones was more work than I thought it would be. By the end of the week though my old habit of not being able to fall asleep returned.

The first night there we let Kona sleep on the bed with us. Not very restful considering he has never done that before. In the early dawn hours, he woke up forgetting where he was. His frightful bark and the big fat tears in his eyes told me he had been very scared. I snuggled him into bed with me and he settled back down. The rest of the week he slept in his crate like ususal. Sleeping with dog on bed is not my preferred pet method. We both need the complete night of rest to be able to put up with each other all day.

Kona struggled with kid magnetics the first few days together with my little nieces. By the second day they had learned to co-exist and him not be so attracted to their every movement. By the fourth day a real rhythm had been set and he was learning to cue some things. His alerts at first were a little loud. He finally decided it was okay to inside bark that the baby was awake. He also cued some of the alarms around the house. The best was the “importance” of my mom’s pill minder. The last day he decided to walk outside with my mother. She just picked up the leash and took him with. Hmmm-I though she did not like dogs. And he also began noticing if the door did not shut all the way. That was helpful also. Pocket full of treats kept him very busy trying to earn a treat!

Meanwhile, my dad’s world had some bad news the past week. It was really hard to hear such sad happenings. But the day I called to take care of the flowers, he had had such a rough day. It was a blessing to keep in touch with him and hear him reciprocate my “I love you dad.” He has only told me he loves me a hand full of times. I think it meant much to him that I reached out even though I was at my mom’s for the week.

Returning home was “fruit basket upset” for me. I felt bad for not being happy to be home. The moving about and putting everything back in its place gets me pretty frustrated. My eyes just don’t always see what I think should be there. I took a detox bath, but it really did not help much. It wasn’t close enough to bed time to actually work.

The cutest event of the week was when the little girls were getting ready for bed one evening. My sister was making the bottle, and I was trying to “settle” them instead of wind them up. So I sang a silly song about the sun going to bed and so shall I. I taught them the actions of the sun coming up and traveling across the sky until it hit the floor again, then laid down to fall asleep. The third time the girls had the actions down and even Kona layed down on the floor to fall asleep for pretend. It was so cute watching them all interact so sweetly.

When it’s my time to go, I wonder how I will behave. Watching our elderly parents prepare for “the day” is hard. Some get listless and empty, letting go of the daily duties with quite a struggle. Getting them to understand that food is their first need and let someone else do the food preparations, can be such a battle. Others will not allow a hired help to come clean the house just for “privacy” sake or something.

I know it was hard for me to let go of the green house chores for the week and trust others to water, rotate, and watch care. Each sibling handles letting go of the parents differently also. Some just let go before it’s time to even relinquish their elder to this earthly suffering so that they do not have to watch the falling season. Some hang on so hard they won’t let anyone else take certain “cares” on because they have to have some control. In the end, the broken glass just goes when it’s God’s timing. We never really know when the glass will slip out of our hands and the pieces will be left to discard. We don’t even know what pieces we will be left with. God give me the grace to handle each broken glass with care.

Excuse Me, You’re In My Blindspot: Kona’s Journal

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“Yet it was kind of you to share my troubles.” —Phil. 4:14 ESV

T shirts with attitude sayings are not particularly my thing. But this one should be part of my wardrobe as there are so many times that I run into people without meaning to. Even today I used a more polite “excuse me” as we were out and about shopping. But the biggest issue today was my poor little doggy.

I know that I have anxiety, but today it was challenged to the point of panic driven behavior. Just afternoon about one o’clock I took the dogs out for a stroll outside to find a couple items. We walked quite a bit from building and finally after the mail. On the way back from the mailbox, Charlie put Zucchi, the cat, up the ash tree. It was sort of funny. Then we came back into the house.

I was eating my snack and drink and not paying attention to the puppy when suddenly it dawned on me that he was not nearby. Immediately I began calling his name and got no response. “Kona Come!” So anxiety kicked in and I began looking everywhere in the house for him. (So I thought.). The behind the doors, under the beds, behind the sofa and in my search I noticed the front screen door was slightly ajar. The warm-ish weather always makes the frame swell and it has to be pulled shut to latch.

My brain said, he’s not in the house, he must have slipped outside. The first few minutes outside started the “baffled” feeling. Where was Kona? To me he was lost, hung up on the short leash that I had left on him. After fifteen minutes outside, I panicked. Literally. I was a hot mess.

Lost puppy is not how I expected the day to happen. And valentine’s day at that. A few phones calls, constant searching, lots of walking. I was trying not to trip in my tear induced state. Where was my puppy? To me, he was lost.

Blind Lady Trial number 3, 429 was in full scale. How in the world could I be trusted with the care of anything? Apparently a little black puppy had done me in. I was now a complete wreck. Gavin came home with the truck and the dog in the house barked. Honey had been in the house because I had a neighbor helping me look outside and she was just in the way. Then he heard another tell tale bark.

Searching through the house, he found the little black Shih Tzu wrapped up around the chair and the piano bench legs. The leash that I had left on the collar did get stuck on something. And yes, he was wrapped up around some major sticks (of furniture). He was stuck enough not to respond to my calls.

Why had he not barked ever for me? Why had he not answered me with a bark or whine? I know he’s a quiet little puppy most of the time but this was a bit much. Perhaps he had tried to get unstuck and only made the collar tighter so that he could not bark. Obviously he had hidden there to chew on a little twig or something. But really? Excuse me puppy, but you were in my blind spot. I had even looked under the piano bench. But not under that chair as he had never gone under the chair before.

“I’m sorry you lost your puppy.” This was little Melody a few hours later when we dropped off an item or two at her house. Who had told her, we don’t know. But the tears in her eyes were as real as the tears that I had shed earlier. She wanted assurance that all of the puppies and kitties that we had were okay. Honey? She’s in the pickup with Kona. Charlie? He’s home in his hut. The kittens? They are all in their little houses. Okay. Okay!

This past evening we put an Air Tag on the dog’s collar. Yes we did the research, and decided the benefits outweigh any risk. The Air tag is in a silicone case on his collar. And it is the cheapeast piece that we could do for peace of mind. Philipians 4 has much advice for us who suffer anxiety. Verse six and verse 13 tell us to put anxious thoughts in their corret place and do things in the strength of our Lord. But I am loving verse 14 right now. “Yet it was kind of you to share our troubles.”

Well, I boiled that cup of tea a bit strong. And I did not do so well on hunting for a new harness for him either. I neglected the fact that we have to pick him up to get in and out of the truck. The harness was an H style without a chest to girth support. He has to have the X style, even if it is not the step in. Though I think he likes the step in, he’s pretty quick at “Buckle Up!” So I am back to the drawing board on a new harness. Bugger. The Step in X is the best style for smaller dogs so that they cannot excape. The one I ordered had the x over the top not under the girth. Bother.

Blind lady issues will be part of my life going forward. I have RP or retinitis pigmentosia. Loosing things is part of my life. Like the other day when I spent all day looking for my woolen homespun crocheted hat. It was on the table full of what nots! We just have to find the right tools to help me in my “trade.” One of our recent purchases was a talking thermometer. That was very helpful when I had my ear infection. Another recent purchase was the cup full meter. It beeps much like the back-up alarm on the truck. Closer. Closer okay over filled! I use it daily multiple times. And I don’t even poor my dark drink into a dark cup!

Unfortunately I can’t wear an Air Tag or a too close meter for people when I am out and about. Can you imagine the alarm going off constantly because someone is in my blind spot? The nerve of people to get close enough that my alarm might go off. Spacial awareness is not the God given gift of everyone in the world. Some of us are visually challenged. The other day while picking up the puppy and “bed” at my daughter’s house I knocked over the oldest grand child because I did not know that she was in RANGE. Oops. Much apologies later, I was back in route to my destination. Yep, I’m blind. Sorry little girly! Too close meter might not have even worked in that situation.

Inventory

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“And I applied my heart to know wisdom and to know folly. I perceived that this also is but a striving after the wind.” —Ecclesiastes 1:17

Taken inventory is usually an end of the year activity. For me this year it is the New Year decisions. Resolving to do more or do better is usually part of this time of year. And yet, I find myself feeling the need to “pare” down. To decide what is important and do just that. I usually have my garden planned out by the month, have my Bible memory theme verse picked, and know what crochet goals I have for myself.

Instead… you can find me on the sofa under my lapdog, listening to a book and crocheting some pillows for the sofa. Priorities are changing. I made a deciion to train a new puppy last fall, and Kona has turned out to be more of a time dictator that I thought.

Last week I had a real rough week with my eyesight failures and that slowed me down a lot. I’ll call it the dryer fiasco.

Dryer fiasco, hopefully episode one and done! So our fourteen year old dryer decided to quit heating up to dry the clothes so then it quit altogether. Stopping even after a few minutes of tumbling. So my fix it all husband decided to pick up the part from the part from the local dealer. Only to discover the part was incorrect after he pulled the entire dyer into one hundred pieces. Then he had to order the part on line. For the next few days the dryer would be a hole for me to fall into.

Okay for anyone who does not know yet, I am legally blind. Not stupid, but patterns of travel and navigation in my own home have been well established. So without a dryer in the hole where it should be, I fell into it, not once, but four times! It’s amazing how many times you lean up against something to put your shoes on. And winter boots are quite a tug of war to get on and off. So yes, after the fourth time, it simply was not funny anymore.

Then, one of the parts was placed on the kitchen table. There is this thing about small houses. The kitchen table becomes a fix it station, a work table, and a catch all. Never mind the fact that this particualr dryer part had sharp edges and a piece that bolted the tubular item together. Yeah, well, the bolts were sticking ourward toward the chair and when I leaned over the chair to pick up something—YEP, I scraped my face just under my eye. The item was in my blind spot again.

The last fall was the worse. I leaned over the washer area to pick up my slippers to put them on after being outside. Without the dryer there, the washer has a pointed edge, it is square you know. So yes, again the hole found me. I smacked my right cheekbone really hard. Hard enough to get a bloody nose and to cry for a good half hour. Great way to start the day. I took my little puppy, an ice pack, and layed down on the sofa to cry it out for a while.

Pain slows one down… hubby also. And unfortunately while he was working on the washer to give the pump it’s annual clean out, he pulled a muscle in his back and sternum area. So I wasn’t the only one the washer and dryer were beating up last week.

Weather stops things too. This past week the temperatures more than bottomed out. They went sub-zero. Thank goodness the greenhouse got a nice coat of snow and ice. It stayed very stead on the set temperatures. I think the average was forty six degrees fahrenheit. I was a little put out that the door froze shut. That was a learning curve. My jack of all trades took a heat gun down and opened up, then put a fan on the floor to keep the warm are “escaping.” Oh well.

A whole week since greenhouse had my eyes on things did not turn out to be so bad. Everything looked fine. I will water the end of this week.

Energy this week has been lacking. I tried to make a to do list and it sort of failed. My first option was to make the list by room and then I decided to reverty to by day.. So I put down the next dayof the week and then left the list blank. Lol.

The cold weather had me finish up a new sweater for Kona that actually fit him. And he did love it. But it is awful hard on his fur. Tie-ing it all up into knots. And he really hates the comb out on knotted fur. Poor thing. I am trying to comb him more frequently. Honey also gets lined up for the daily comb out. She loves being groomed so that at least is a good example for him.

Honey otherwise has become the most difficult dog ever for the “good” example. She returned to counter surfing. She returned to barking non stop when she wants to. She also returned to smacking me in my pain points by hitting me in the cheekbone this past week three times. The said same cheek bone that hit the corner of the washing machine while the dryer hole was there. Uff dah but an older dog can be so frustrating. Just last Monday she decided to eat my cinnamon rolls that I saved for breakfast. Counter surfing is her new “get even” if we take Kona and leave her in the house.

Today I tried turning over the new leaf. I woke up before the dogs did and read my Bible for the first time in a very long while. The anger zone was so tight yesterday, I decided I needed to change. Then I began remembering the yearly Bible reading schedule. Twelve books of Ecclesiastes, one for each month. Thirty one days of Proverbs lessons. Four seasons of the year for the gospels. And Psalms for the morning, noon, and night meals. The rest of the Bible can be read on a daily schedule of forty minutes or so a day.

So that’s how I was reminded of the vanity of life and striving after the wind. This year I am just going to slow down some to match the pace that my eyesight is setting for me. Less might be best. I think that is going to be my new motto for this year. Less is best. Yes, it is best to attempt to do less.

Little Black Beads: Kona’s Journal

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“The shiney parts”…. The first week or so with Kona my granddaughter told me that at first she could not see his eyes. I know I replied he is all black and it’s hard to tell. Then she stated that now she could see his eyes just fine because those are the “shiney parts!” Like little black beads on a toy, they are very reflective of any light.

Doing chores every day is something I am used to. Part of living on a “homestead” with animals is chores. First there were dogs and sheep. Then the horse came along and there were cats added tot he numbers. The sheep have long since left and now the numbers of others is even lower. From nine cats down to three is quite the reduction. And the horse is gone also. One day not too long ago I actually heard the “phantom” whiney of the horse as I walked out the door. It had been awhile since that happened. Nevertheless, chores are a part of my everyday exercixe regimen.

Kona’s week nine and ten have gone by pretty fast. I was busy on a poncho and a baby blanket crocheting. So the writing took a back burner. I also had a few upkeep things to do in the greenhouse. We are still witing for baby to come along (grand baby number four),.

“Play nice” is the new saying I repeat often. The two indoor furries have been trying to make “flurries” with their rambunctious play. The other day the two of them finally decided to play and Honey knocked over the kitchen chair. Today they were running through the house after each other. I almost regretted my second indoor dog purchase.

Kona is still trying to figure out my pregnant daughter. The extra heartbeat has him tipping his head this way and that as she gets a few snuggles from him. I am just so excited to see what baby looks like.

I finished the canine psychology book on mirror feelings. There are times that I just don’t want my dog to mirror my anxiety. Her hyper jump up and down rather than settle is so unhelpful when I am trying to get a “frenzy” of activity done. Like cleaning the house or something. Especially when it’s time to walk out the door. Honey just will not settle and watch and wait while I prepare all of my belongings for “the go.” Kona tends to sit and wait a little better.

Physical feelings: cold, hot, pain, hunger, etcetera are not the same as ones emotional feelings. Trying to get in touch with my feelings might actually take some time. As a child I don’t believe my emotional feelings were ever validated. Physical punishment was used to inflict both pain on my behind and shame in my heart. I learned that my physical pain of asthma was not something my parents were willing to pay money for and get me medical help. I had to let go of all the “want” to be cared for in my deepest need for air. My mother would say, don’t cry, it only makes it worse. Stop crying because I could not catch my breath after the lawn had been mowed and the windows were all left open, and my asthma kept me up at night. I had to stuff my feelings down under neath something and just breath, which I could not do because of the asthma.

If my dogs are here to reflect my emotional energy and show me how to heal myself… then here I go. Let’s make a list of emotions first and then try to decipher when those emotions surface and why.

Emotional feelings: happy, disgusted, embarrassment, surprise, satisfied, love, frustration, envy, contempt, hatred, self confidence, annoyance, compassion, jealousy, pride, anger, fear, sadness, anxiety, shame, boredom, guilt, loneliness, depression. All of these feelings have been stuffed under for so long. There was a time that I felt free to cry and be sad. When I lost my drivers license and my previous Shih Tzu “Furbie.” But the sad just would not stop. I had help for a couple of years trying to turn off the sad and look for happy. Butthe feelings only got wiped off the heart monitor and finding happy was so hard.

I remember when we put the dog that doesn’t deserve a name down to rest, my heart just went blank. We had some major happenings in the next few months and I struggled to feel anything at all. Finding a happy place was so hard.

My green house became my happy place. Digging in the dirt and planting things was therapeutic. For me. It took me nearly three or four years of garden keeping to finally decide this was the new me. Garden Oma with all of my pets etcetera. I still struggle to “happy” in the house. The walls don’t talk back, you know.

Raising my girls was such a busy fulfilling time for me. Home schooling was the best use of all my talents. Now, I am just struggling to come up with who me really is. No one understands just how empty the nest can feel when it is empty of children.

And so the grand children come along. And then we see just how small our house really is. The “Tiny House” movement is such an impossible way of life unless there the OUTDOORS. And so that’s what coming here means to the children. Lots of time outside.

Putting practice into my learning or learning into my practice. Yesterday at my daughter’s I found it quite frustrating that Kona kept his nose to the ground so intently that he had no focuse for me or the task at hand. Like going potty on command to be exacta. In fact he spend so much of his out door time grabbing the bunny “scat” into his mouth that by mid afernoon, I knew that he had a tummy ache. Immediately upon our exit to head home in the evening, he lost the “lunch” on the deck outside.

thank goodness it was outside! It had been a rough day otherwixe and one more mess to clean up in the house might have put us all over the edge!

Today, I took a ball outdoors with us for a couple of the walks to get his focus back unto me. Of course, I’m not sure how this will play out through the week into next visit to the “bunny yard.”

Finally got Charlie to play for 2 minutes. He likes tug of war I guess.

Today feelings and Honey not bring frisbee back. Anger gets way up. Why does she play keep away? We never taught her that? The tease play is not fun at all. It’s like she thrives at full throttle and prefers us to be in total exasperation. So while this is a few days later… I have tried not saying any thing at all while tossing the frisbee. Does not hlep that I am usually cold also. So being out there is really a frustrating exercise chore.

Well, I’m going to quit. It’s only one week until Christmas. Time to try to tap into some joy, happiness, love, hope, and peace.

Bucket: one, Me: zero

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This morning the day seemed just a wonderful slow day. I got up fought with the need for asthma aids, and got about my day. Then I went to the greenhouse for some plant “tidy” business and enjoyed a phone call with my cousin. As I went about my watering, my knee found the bucket left from last evenings tomato washing stand. Bucket: One, Me: zero!

A half hour of tears, twenty minutes of ice, and some devotional reading time, Here I Am…. That hurt. And I had just been super happy to go a whole week without running into anything, or dashing my head on anything, or falling over something. Wha-Lah! I found the bucket to kick today.

About a week ago the tally was with the tomatoes. Tomatoes: 8 quarts 9 pints, and 18 cups, Me: no cuts, bruises, or hives. That was a pretty good day. Today might be another story altogether. My right knee is smarting quite a bit, and just does not want to bend. Bother for these eyes that don’t really do the job.

The Bible has a lot of verses about not stumbling, and walking with Jesus, and having the Lord guide us with His hand. Some days, it seems that the Lord has abandoned me to go astray continually. This blind thing sure eats up a lot of the “promises” of scripture when you look at things in a physical mindset. I am glad that the Lord is using these metaphors to teach us spiritual lessons. If the Bible were taken literally (physically) much of life in this world would be so depressing. Of course I cried when I was hurt. Did I feel led of the Lord when the bucket interrupted my path with a blow to the knee? No, not really.

The next day or so later, it was Wasp:3, me 2. Picking through the washed tomatoes, if found a wasp instead of tomato blossom. Then the was was mating on top of it all. So one sting, two bites later the wasps were dead. Then, into the honey went my offended finger to heal from the bites or whatever. It did not make me very enthusiastic to continue my canning expedition. I was glad that the wet wasps were easy to kill.

Do I feel like God is holding my hand as I run into the bench and fall flat on my face? No, not at all. Being blind is a physical distress for me. It adds a lot of difficulty to navigating just about every daily activity that I do. But I refuse to just sit and do nothing. God did design out bodies to WALK>

This morning I made my helper “doodle” dog walk me out to the mailbox. She heard vehicles coming and stopped us at nearly four car lengths from the road. I thought it was a little over cautious, but I still praised her. She stopped again at the road just to double check. I really with that I could have the mailbox on our side of the road. Maybe there is a petition for that because I am blind. Maybe

The tomatoes are shelling out the produce. There are four baskets just waiting for me. So here I go. Probably have to ice my knee in between tasks.

Love Multiplies

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This past week I spent several nights wondering why sleep had flown the coup. I mean really why does the mind just decide to stay awake? The normal routine had seemed to fail me once again. How many nights of little to no sleep can one have. I am no super hero. This body began to scream for some actual rest.

Much of the last ten years for me has been sleeplessness. There are benefits to wakefulness all night long. One of these is the many hours i have spent listening to my mp3 player read the Bible to me. I would not be alive today but for the sanity that the constance of God’s word has lent to me in those hours of un-sleep.

Lately, it seems the beast of awake has taken me under wing again. Sometimes, I don’t know it is good or bad. Surely the enemy does not want me to spend all those hours meditating on God’s word. Am I really that anxious and fretful that my mind will not slow down long enough to sleep?

Tonight, I have a little sinus bug that is putting a tickle down my throat that is so annoying. I got up to study some words that I have been pondering and find out what God’s word has to say about them. The first word is charity.

Some of us grew up reading the King James Bible and know the word from it’s long list of attributes in I Corinthians chapter 13. It is otherwise know as the “Love Chapter.” Many people choose this passage for sermonettes at their weddings. The long list of character traits to charity are often used in substitutional studies. Like putting Jesus in the place of Love, or even using one’s own name. Finding out one’s fault comings is simple when doing that. But looking for faults is not one of Charity’s blessings. Over looking them, IS.

The next word that stuck in my mind is Mizpah. Oh, boy, you might say, where did that come from? Well, in the Bible it is a momental stone to commemorate a parting in life’s travels. Like perhaps more of a “Rite of Passage” when two people go in separate directions. This happened in Laban and Jacob’s life. And was not meant as a bad thing, but rather a reminder that they both had the same Lord watching over them. Paul had many such partings in his ministry as recorded in the Book of Acts.

Today, the meaning is often skewed to be a marriage or love “Stone” like a diamond ring or something. I don’t think it was meant as such, for married people should not separate on life’s journey. Just my own opinion. (Sometimes it happens, okay, I get that.). And may I not de-emphasize that as a married individual, my husband and I are not together 24-7, so yes we wear the modern wedding bands.

Is Mizpah a commemorative stone of the the passage of life from this earth? I don’t think it was meant as a memorial either. But the separation blessing it certainly seems to be. What ever am I thinking of this so deeply for?

Today, my first daughter told her people what the gender of her coming fourth child is to be. Not for this blog, I might add. The moment of covenantal blessing for me came after the video was recorded and the eldest child expressed her wishes for the hoped for gender. Mama just chuckled her tell tale laughter and then later expressed, she had shed a few tears also. The cupcakes of color and been devoured, God has already decided. So I expressed my own prayer filled blessing. “Love multiplies. It does not divide, separate, or subtract. It always adds and then multiplies. More to love, means more love. Love multiplies. And we will live this little one just like we love you.”

I cannot put myself in my daughter’s shoes. She is walking her own journey through life. I had two daughters. Though I wanted more, God chose not to do that for me. Now, the Lord has granted my daughter the gift of childbearing. Charity begets charity. Love multiplies.

Neither can I walk in my second daughter’s working world. I am so proud of both my daughters. Their faith walk, their journey through life following the Lord’s leading inspires me to keep faith also. While it seems we have less connected moments that what I had imagined there would be through the “adult” years, there are brief moments in time that seem strong in the memories. One night recently we sat around the kitchen table once again with the ever growing family. For a brief moment that evening with either daughter on each side of me, I felt rich. Rich in this world of spiritual blessings and physically rich by the gifts that God has given me in my daughters.

This beautiful doily is a bit of my own fabrication. I dropped the original edging and added more hearts. The “mizpah” or commemoration is that love multiplies and we shall have more grandchildren, “the Lord willing.”