Tag: family

Ears to Hear

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Isaiah 43:1. “Fear not, for I have redeemed you, I have called you by your name, you are mine.” This morning I woke up out of a deep hard sleep to the sound of my name. “Yvonne!” I tried to see if anyone was in the room as a fluttred open my eyes in the dark. When my eyes finally opened up, I checked my phone for the time. Seven something. early yet, but it was not my spouse who had said my name. He was already off to work. Then what? Or rather who?

Kona resting on my lap for my morning quiet time , on top of the prayer shawl from hospice that my mother in law received.

The other day for some reason, I decided to look at the notes that I took nearly 25 years ago. My thoughts have been turning to what exactly am I here for and looking at the exact purpose of my life. Of course, after having raised my children and now welcoming grand children, I still wonder that often. Is there something more that I ought to be or to do?

Through the years I have often considered that God made us human BE-ings not human do-ings, yet in our being we are to do what Jesus teaches. How does this all work? And especially as we come to the end of one life purpose like parenting or job or such, how to we transition to the time in our life where we spend more time BEING than DOING?

LISTEN: The first note card that I read has Isaiah 19:12 on it. “And after the earhquake a fire and after the fire a still small voice of God”. This story of Isaiah listening for the voice of God and finding Him not loud and large, but still and quiet. Yes, it seems the nights that I spend in sleeplessness are often filled with my audio Bible in constant play. The catalyst of suffering is often the greatest inspiration to music and other famous people. Zolton Kodaly is someone that I admired long before my daughter played one of his cello works at her senior recital. I would often just sit and let the tears flow down my cheeks while hearing the piece. While not sleeping at night might be considered a suffering, not having the Word of God to listen to would make it a worse “nightmare.” I am so thankful that I can still LISTEN during the still quiet hours of night.

CALLING: God’s calling to me and to others is to seek His face. Jeremiah 29:13 “And when you seek Me with your whole heart then you will find me.” Twenty years ago when I was writing a new piece of music I thought God was saying “this is your calling.” Like some people are called to ministry, or called to be a nurse, or doctor or the military. Yet rather for me God called me to mother my children and care for my spouse: that was my calling. Yes, I wrote some music. But much like the multiple miscarriages physically that I experienced, the music seems to be like stillborns. Not meant for anyone else to know. And now… being asked to pray for what ever the need of my children and my grand children. This I find is my calling now. And then the random home phone rings. Literally, the phone rang three times just now. Hmmm…

The completed “hearts” of the Freyja blanket. Set aside for its giving day.

NEW HEART: The sound of sonic boom that comes from my chest. I have heard this recently. One night just a week or so ago. It is almost like a thunder boom from my heart. Or like a lightening bolt through my soul. It is hard to explain. I used to be scared and sit bolt upright when this happened. Now I just lay there and say “What is it? Lord?”Deuteronomy 30:6 “ And the Lord your god will circomcise your heart and the heart of your descendants, to love the Lord your God will all your heart and with all your soul, that you may live.” That is the focus of all prayer for my people! The hearts of my descendants seemed so far into the future when I recieved this verse. Now these little people have names.

GOD WITH US: How does this Emmanuel thing work? Joshua 1:9 says to be sotrong and courageous. Were we strong in all of our moves, Minnesota for four years, Iowa for four years and now South Dakota in a modular home for 24 years. “Have not I commanded you? Be strong and of good courage: do not be afraid, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” I use to do a spiritual exercise with my family asking them where the Shephrd was leading them right now. From Psalm 23, where do you feel that you are? Are you among the rocks looking for tufts of grass? Are you resting by the still water? For us, the last six or seven months I know just where we have been. Already been through valley of the shadow of death, and God has been with us.

The little clay pitcher now used to store my ever difficult to find scissors and hook of the most recent project I am working on. “Thin Flowers” / wild things in medium tone pink and gray- very hard on my eyes. Uff dah.

EARTHEN VESSELS: The next verse from Jeremiah talks about broken bottles, or fractured jars. I need to study more about what this means but the Jeremiah 48:11-12 is the passage. Settling here in this place, the place where my husband’s dad grew up and thinking aoubt the “pouring from vessel to vessel” that we are now going through as we take care of the possessions of those before us. And the thoughts about the house and it’s cracks and things that need fixed. Moving all these things out of the way making room for the next generation of living. Also the idea of pouring our spiritual understanding into others. And my daughter just now sharing her calm and focus in the midst of little accidents with children. This broken bottles message is both physical and spiritual. Physically, we can be a repaired vessel that helps others handle the things of earth. And spiritually, we let God’s healing work in us to hlep others. “With what comfort you are comforted, therefore comfort others.”

AWAKENING: Sounding the alarm often makes us think of fire alarms or morning wake up calls. Amos 4:7-8. Thoughts through my head years earlier: “you seek rain for the land but where are your prayers for hearts softened with the tears for God. Pray for living water Do you ask for soft and cultivated hearts Pliable and moistened hearts full of compassion for the hurts of-those around you? Or is yourheart dry like the grass and hard like the ground?When God sends struggles like fire, will it burn?” This wake up call is for spiritually alive people to see that souls are more valuable than physical healings. Our focus should be on salvation of souls, not just keeping people alive here and now, but for eternity!

2 Chronicles 7:14 has been echoing through my heart for nearly a whole week now. I even learned the classical piano version of “If My People will Pray”. We have had almost an inch of rain since my prayers have focused on this verse. And I feel God is leading me to even more focus in my prayers as I dig up these old study notes from the Iowa years.

The last sound that I remember hearing was the TRUMPET. And there is so much that I see and hear about the second coming of Christ. The song that carried me through the month of February was “Come, Jesus Come.” Our Sunday sermon series on the Lord’s Prayer led me to focus on the phrase “Thy Kingdom Come.” All the implications of just those three words could take up a whole new blog writing. We must act each day as if Christ might come today, and yet we plan our lives in such a way that our descendants to Glory with us!

And so I return to the moment. The best example of “calling by name, you are mine” I an think of is the training of a dog to come at their name. Calling a dog to come on direct command is kind of fun actually. when we had Seymour and I trained him to his name. The recognition of name, eye contact and reward was so cool. And then when we had Casey and he whipped his head every time the commercial came on for Casey’s store. I said his name and he ran to me so quickly. Now if I could just respond like Mary did in the garden after the resurrection, “Rabboni, Master, Savior, Jesus!”

Smoothing Out Wrinkles

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The evening after a day with the grand kids often has me ready to go straight home and find the bath tub for a good soak. There is a very good reason why one’s ability to bear children happens during youth. The energy drains much faster when the cup is only half full even at the beginning of the day. So my thought process about going to see the falls was rather surprising.

We live in a climate that often gives us four seasons in less than a weeks time. And averaging the moth into tempreature zones I often wonder what season it will be this week. Dressing for winter at 8 a.m., spring at noon, and summer at three in the afternoon is rather hard to accomplish if I am not going to be home. So I was rather glad that the weather stayed a bit cooler for the whole day. And we decided to go walk the falls and smell the acrid spray of water mist.

First daffodil bloom of the year. The day we cleaned all the huge cottonwood leaves off this flower bed the greeneay shot up three or four inches. Of course that night it was 32 degrees again.

Day after day the spring has wrapped up a dry fabric across the landscape. The grass at home seems nonexistent. Patches of dirt are just spreading out like burnt pieces of toast all across the acreage. the crunch beneath my feet makes me think I should not even be walking there. It was nice to walk on a sidewalk flanked by actual lawn the evenibg that we walked at the falls park.

Kona had his scheduled spa day at the doggie daycare. I thought sure he would be tired, but instead he seemed so wound up when we arrived home. Like we got someone else’s dog. Maybe he just gets the zoomees after daycare because he had to be in the crate napping so often. His energy level has been pretty consistent and I still love that he sleeps so well all night long.

Kona sporting his new haircut. Not really new just fresh, as he gets the same puppy cut every time.

The water falls were mild for this time of year. I think even the up river snow fall has been way below average. I was trying to remember the last time we got rain that was more than a spit. Last Jjune or July we may have received an half inch at one spirt.

A whole week later: And now it is the day after once again. I feel like my ability to focus on thought and writing has gone with the wind. The dust clouds scared the rain away once again. I spent the day with the kiddos yesterday. It’s been a whole week since my entry beginnings..

I tried picking up a book about Mycroft Holmes the brother of Sherlock Holmes. After finishing the “Complete Collection” I really should try a different route of thought. The book that I chose was so scatter brained. For lack of concentration I did fall asleep. So for that purpose, it worked. But it’s daytime that lacks for entertainment. And I really should not watch videos of the grand kids for hours on end.

This morning I got to thinking about my dearly departed mom-in-law again. Doing laundry, I was reminded about her love for ironing. Was she truly one of those “smooth out the wrinkles” kind of person? How often in our lives were we part of her attempt to make smooth the rough patches?

There are three small travel irons now taking up space in my house. Who uses such a thing? They are a testament to how many trips they took. Of course the were benevolence trips. Because of their proximity to sibling relationship, that’s how they went. Though some trips were taken on their own funds, many of the cruises and such were group outings. I think of the other siblings and how they must have felt about this trio of travelers. Is there jealousy wat fueled some of the wrinkles in the relationships?

Unfortunately, I can also think of ways in which there were road blocks put up. But because we are all in a trying to get along phase in life, perhaps it’s best to leave the road construction season to the history books and not turn back the pages that cause strife.

Blanket on the left is the Freyja pattern from a pattern designer that I follow. The yarn on the right is for the Wild Things / thin flowers continuous blanket throw for a high school senior. Both are mosaic crochet patterns

My yarn came for a commission project. First the Freyja blanket needs to be finished. I really do like it just not fancy about these colors, so it will likely be another give away!

And one last night on the mishaps of the blind, not lame, and not dumb. Last night my allergies reached their spring maximum. My sinus migraines are requiring every medicine that I can possible take for this pollenating tree season. So while I love spring and it’s blooming nature, I am quite miserable and hope that this writing and my crochet work does not reflect this wrinkled up dress shirt moment in my life!

One of Those Days

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SUNDAY: Well, today is one of “those” days. I slept less than three hours last night. So now I am overtired and cranky. Decision making is very minimal. Lack of sleep really affects my eyesight. So this morning when we were preparing to leave the house for church, I found the bedroom door closed with my nose. Really?

Really?

We are trying to leave the little dog home more often with freedom of space and choice. And while he has grown up finally, it has only been about one month since the last full bladder accident. So rather than letting him have the whole house, shut the doors right?

And then, I decided that I needed a scarf to stay warm. My outfit was not complete. So I headed back to the bed room for the matching item. When I found the door with my nose, my initial responsive word was “dang-it-Really!”

MONDAY: Reality going blind sucks. Just over a week ago my grand-doggie found my eyebrow with the top of his head. He is one of those bouncy dogs that does not greet on a sit. His excitement puts a spring in his bottom and jack-in-the-box will spring at the most inopportune times for a blind lady. Going down to greet my little 15 pound Shih Tzu found the forty pound head with mine.

Really!

There are some adaptive learning curves that simply don’t work in practice. Being a very active and boisterous little girl, I have grown into a statuesque old lady. I really don’t enjoy the bodies requirement to be still just to save my other parts. My eyes simply do not work right anymore.

How do I manage to keep up with the change of pace? I know that lack of physical activity is what is driving my inability to sleep at night. Who wants to teach a bland lady how to work out and get tired enough to sleep?

Maybe I should put on a helmet and take up boxing.? That seems like a dumb idea when there are so many things jump out of nowehere to clobber me already.

Maybe I should take up running on a treadmill mill just to keep moving but who is gonna read all the options on the screen? Where is the speaking options on that equipment?

Maybe I could do palettes or something? but it requires being able to see and know what the directions are for each move and no one ever explains things well enough. Besides my mirrow image response is zilch because I do not see the actions to copy.

Okay. Really…

TUESDAY: Yesterday we both had bad visits at the dentist. Very rough hygienists that should probably have flunked his schooling. Anyways, decisin made to find a new dental clinic. And good news I slept for the first night with no sleep aid meds at all.

Today is a rough day. Another week will go by with no glasses on this nose because it hurts too much. My sinuses are already angry over the knock on the door. Scripture says, “Ask and it will be answered, Knock and it will be opened, Seek and you will find.” Well, I just think I’ve learned one should use the appropriate tools when asking, knocking or seeking. And sometimes we simply aren’t asking the right questions.

WEDNESDAY: Another night slept with no sleep aids. Unfortunately, my poor sister is taking up my lot in life. She is going through much stress in life in preparation to early retirement. Yep, going blind sucks. The rest of the family is doing well, I think. Haven’t talked to very many of them lately. It’s still a good day to take the back seat for a full rest as tomorrow is grandkid sitting day.

One of the Freyja patterns by Tinna T. Iceland mosaic crochet artist. I have learned alot about the craft from her.Thanks. Tinna!

THURSDAY: No mishaps. Just a quick story about hte kiddos. I sat with the littlest one while the others were at home school co-op day. It seems this social experience is a highlight for three of the momentary mommas. My sister, sister-in-law and my daughter all living this lifestyle of parenting 24-7. We do enjoy hearing about the learning curves in their lives. In other bits and pieces, I took the older two grandees with my short Kona walk in the afternoon. The oldest had to bring her binoculars to “look at nature.” The second child was wearing boots, shorts, a winter jacket and gloves. Hilarious picture!

Epilogue: Friday is here. I made it through the week with no more mishaps. Yet…. Doing more book study lists. Also finished the scarf above that I don’t like. I made a mistake on the first rom of the pattern beginning with the upside down heart. Oh, well. It was intended as a practice run. Today is supposed to be a greenhouse working day. I have not had coffee for three days, and this morning all it seems to do is make me sneeze. I did this to try sleeping well. It may have worked but I am still not sure. I have been doing some breathing exercises as I try to fall asleep and that has helped. Kona really needs his groom session. And what other random facts could I tell you? Still working on “The Complete Sherlock Holmes” stores. I thought of it after I learned Great-great-Grandma Chris and her name was Anna “AndersDitter” Holmes. Those Scandinavians surnames are odd. Our family history lessons are fun as we hunt for obituaries and places of residence. The “Bygones” of the past still have stories to tell!

Tranquil Roots

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Foreground stands the tree out of the old cherry tree root that was Great Grandpa’s tree. Then the flowering crab, followed by the autumn blaze Maple that was a birthday gift to me from mom and dad. The Old Mulberry tree that no longer produces stands just north of The Old Cottonwood Tree that is over 120 years old. There is some history in these roots for sure.

Free from the troubles and turmoil of this life, we watched the peaceful home going of our dear mom. Tranquil, sweet surrender was her state of patient endurance. Peace of mind soul and body became her full joy as we entered sorrow and grief. Yes, it was our Lord’s will that she should join her love of 65 years in eternal bliss.

How do you come to grips with the pit in your stomach and your heart in your throat? Every little thing brings tears to the surface. There is no peace on earth, you think. Then comes to mind another favorite saying of your loved one lost. And again, you think, she is not lost, we know where she is! Peace in this troubled time comes from all the generous love felt through all the times shared together. The memories are now our dearest treasures.

“These things I have told you, that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble but take heart for I have overcome the world.” These words of Christ from John 16:33 have been echoing through the halls of my mind for nearly two weeks now. Trouble and suffering is not a new thing here in life. What can be new in our lives, however, is the peace that we have Jesus knowing this world is not our final dwelling place. Knowing Jesus gives us so much hope and peace it is the power that overcomes the troubled times that we face.

Sitting with is hard to do. Just being present in the here and now. My little doggie is my best lesson on with. His little fifteen pound presence is with me all day long. He rarely wants to me anywhere else. How do I translate his satisfaction in with and complete dependence on me to the spiritual lesson “Depend On God?” At difficult times in life, sitting still becomes our oft hard challenge.

Resting and sleeping much, the body goes through such a physical change using all of it’s last resources in the final days of living. Watching this process is not easy. Some find it very troublesome to spend much time with the dying. Yet, we whose loved one belongs, find it hard to tear ourselves away. Living with no regrets is the mindset of each day’s decisions. We will miss mom so much. But we do not desire her to suffer any longer. She has waited long enough to go be with dad once again.

I could develop an ulcer just sitting here. The stress of not moving and watching the help have to move our dear one from one position to another. Walking has always been such a therapy for me. I do hope this weather turns around to warmer days, so that these legs can get some real stretching in. Memories of all the walks that we took together come flooding through all jumbled up and tumbling over one another.

Walking at Tulip festival with the two little girls of mine in the wagon. Walking through the crowd at some large church anniversary doings and mom introducing me to so many people that she knows. Walking behind the family at different passed memorial services. Walking into the drug store up town and watching her greet every person in the store. Walking through the mall as we shopped for clothes for the girls before music camp. Walking up the sidewalk at camp for the annual church group outing. Walking through the cemetery to the north of us and hearing all the stores of those gone before.

The last words that a loved one utters to us are so poignant. For my dad-in-law, it was “I’m not worried about tomorrow.” For my mom-in-law, it was her sleep talking that pulled forth her deep spirit of giving and her ever present inner positive self. She had a cookie to eat that was just too crunchy for the moment, and so the conversation turned to soft cooke favorites. Like molasses cookies I suggested. She said, “The ones with “pie spice in the recipe.” Yes, I said, I think you gave that recipe to my daughter. “I will make you some tomorrow.” She stated and then fell asleep. Always giving, always generous, always thinking about others was her generous spirit.

And then there was the sleep talking words…. The phrase “It turned out to be a pretty nice day” seems so totally unfitting for one to utter on the day she takes her last car ride. Yet that was such a common phrase of mom’s weather permitting there would be some sunshine, she would always say that even if it was a particularly bad day. If the sun would shine for just a little while, it had turned out to be a pretty nice day. The day of the memorial service the weather finally relented of its below zero chill and that was the phrase that came to my mind as I got into the pickup after the earth planting service. The thought also went through my mind of all the trees they had given to us and all the roots that they had given us.

Indeed parents and family, genealogy and heritage are truly the roots that make giant trees. And in our lives mom and dad are the ones who have given us roots so deep that even the their eternal home going cannot uproot the spiritual lessons that make us stand strong together.

Psalm 1: 3, “He shall be like a tree Planted by the rivers of water, That brings forth its fruit in its season, Whose leaf also shall not wither, And whatever he does shall prosper.” Blessed are the children whose parents give them deep and lasting roots that feed their heart, soul and mind even after they have gone, the fruits of their parents labor of love shall be evident even into the next generation. Thanks mom and dad for teaching us the truth that only Living Water is found in Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior.

His Story In Me

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It is truly the coldest day of the year. Today the wind chill has the feel like at nearly -30 degrees Fahrenheit. That is what we call bone chilling for sure. Yesterday was also National Cover all exposed skin day. So I spent the day doing some video exploring of abandoned homes.

My first thought process was about finding homes that looked built in the early 1900’s so I could do some imagining of our next door house. Then it soon got a little extravagant and finding mega-mansions of the debt-fully deceased. Bank ceased homes can be tied up in so much back logue that they often sit untouched for decades.

The Bible verse that came to mind was Matthew 6:19-21 and ends with “where your treasure is there your heart will be also.” The verse came to mind when I say a double painting of two brides. One was the mother and the other the daughter in the same dress. And later upstairs in a cedar chest was the very same dress. Value in things is all subjective. Each person has their own set of dreams and circumstances that lead them to place high value in some earthly thing. I think that the reason that it hit me so hard is my own wedding dress story.

My grandmother had several such saved event garments. One was her own. One was her mother-in-law’s dress. And yet another was her own mother’s muslin dress. For some reason the hand sewn muslim dress of my maternal great grandmother was the dress that appealed to me most. So I asked if I could wear it.

The prairie blanket flower is a biennial bloomer that sends it’s seeds forth in a blanket through the winds. It will blanket the prairie in a short span of years with it’s blooms from early spring through late fall. I ‘m so excited for it’s hopeful little green plant shoots!

I did. I wore it on my wedding day. Complete with under garments purchased just for the occasion to save any oils from getting on the fabric. Then like an idiot, I actually packaged the gown back up and sent it back to my aunt. Why? I should have risked years of anger and resentment and kept the dress.

Now, in my hope chest lies the lace gown of my grandmother’s mom-in-law. It would need a fully prepared undergarment / slip to even be worn. Such under garment became a daily use wear item and does not exist of remain. So I have a dress that I did not wear in my hope chest and what ever should I do with all that hand made lace?

It is not my treasure, but someone else’s.

How is this all a part of God’s story in my life? How do I make sense of the ridiculous twist of “fate?” My sister took the hope chest that all of these items were once in. And now I had to clean out my cedar chest to make room for the family lace.

My birth story is the cause of my mother’s salvation story. The details are not to difficult to understand as I was in the womb “placenta Previa.” This means that the umbilical cord was attached above the placenta and that it would exit the womb first. After birth is suppose to come after the birth. When the doctors rushed my mother off to cesarean birth surgery they had no promises that either my mother or her baby would live. Well, obviously we lived.

My mother had her own Near Death Experience that day and knew that she was headed to hell. She knew that her life did not measure up to God’s kingdom. Later, she would learn that accepting Jesus as Savior for her sins and repentance was all she needed. Her whole life course had been rechartered with this premature baby’s birth.

And so the afghan blanket continues to be draped across my lap this cold month. It began as a leftover yarn project and we bought some full color skeins so that I could do a blanket during this cold weather season.

Life over the next few years would not be easy. She continued to have major life health complications from the blood transfusions, an appendicitis bout, and fainting spells. It took nearly six years for her to recover health, and thus become pregnant once again.

And it would be another seven years for me to comprehend all that god had done in sparing my mother’s life and giving me the ultimate choice in life as well. Would I also learn that God has a special plan for my life and His purpose for me?

What is my story of meeting Jesus? I began to comprehend the choice for sin or God’s way as a new teenager. Receiving a baseball bat, glove, and ball at the age of 13 from my dad and brother seemed to seal my disdain for the chauvinism of that sex. As a female, and trying so hard to copy my sisters, receiving such a gift actually also sealed my disdain for the sport. I have always “heckled” baseball players, the sport and any other related things to baseball. (It does no help that when my family was in the twin cities to go to the ball game, I was sick with pneumonia and did not attend. That also turned me against the sport.) And needless to say it helped to solidify the “left out” feelings of the third child, middle child character flaws / traits.

How do such small things stick so soundly in the mind as catapults to which fork in the road one takes in life? The path that i followed was piano and music. Even though it was not the full pursuit of my life, it is still a much loved fulfillment of who God has shaped me to be.

Recently my mother in her stroke mind lost her hat after our visit to her apartment. The lost item was under a couple of other items. She did find it later, but the story of the Good Shepard seeking his lost sheep came to her mind after finding it. She knew that God cares more about the lost souls at the care center were of much more importance than her lost hat, and yet she also knew that God cared deeply about both. So she took the time to tell the care giver about her her lost soul and near death experience some fifty years ago.

The little silver quid plant continues to multiply. I really out to give more of these away. Or set up a tray for multiplications for the spring green house sales. My list of propagations is getting longer!

Emmanuel God with us can be hard to see sometimes. Knowing that God was there in the spring of my life and seeing His handiwork during the midst of difficult years is truly a faith phenomenon. I wrote a song once called “Seasons” and it proclaims the omnipresence of God through the times in one’s life. I wrote it about my grandmother, but it applies to each person to who the Spirit breaths into the breath of life.

Throughout my life “being heard” has been a consistent theme of the Father’s touch in my life also. That might be for a whole other writing. Sometimes however I simply attribute my short status to the fact that while we were at the family meal time I was so busy talking and entertaining that I did not get as much to eat as everyone else. Getting some sort of attention even if it be through laughter and story telling was very important to me. Today, maybe I am still trying to do that very thing.

Yet I try hard to realize that whether earthly beings reckon to m presence is less important than if the souls that I encounter in life hear God speaking in their life. What story is God working through you? Are you aware that a Sovereign One is ruling over all the circumstances of your life?

What story is being told in your life and through your family happenings? Is God trying to get your attention? Or are you trying to gain His attention? History begins with His Story. And this is just a little corner of the painting of my life.

Kona Weak 18: Kona’s Journal

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The cone of shame has arrived. The day before Ground Hog Day 2024 and we are treating our puppy to some chicken noodle soup for dogs. Well, okay, just putting his kibbles in some water so that he will rink something. They say it’s the hardest part of surgery recovery.

Tonight we started the must see movies for “would be writers.” The first on the list was “The Words.” I recommend it for even the novice reader! The idea that life can be either fiction or nonfiction and that it is what we make it our to be….

Today while Kona was away I spent the day cleaning up the house. First I finished my editing on the introduction to Cocoa’s Tale. I am so excited about finding Cocoa’s voice in my mind. Cleaning and writing and planning writing don’t seem to match what poor Kona was experiencing at the knife of the surgeon. Nevertheless the day was passed in such quick order.

The Fresh air day of windows open and smell of spring in the air is quite not right for the first day of February. But the thoughts of spring kept me reverting to the love that Cocoa had for Young Grass. Ahh, that will be a few months away for sure!

Return to roots happened once again for me when my sister began talking about the BAD apple cake that went moldy back when we were growing up. And of course, no one is allowed to forget it. We all remember. Mother is the only one that will still make an apple cake and then eat it. I won’t even put apple sauce in my muffins! Cocoa loved his apples. I remember how he wanted me to hold it so that he could eat around the core. Just keep turning it, he seemed to say, you know those seeds are not good for any living thing.

Attempt at nothing for the past week turned out to be pretty productive. My ear infection is finally responding to the medicine and I am feeling better. Thank goodness, because now Kona will need to have more of my attention. Though I think it will be more to the two hour schedule that we had earlier in his puppyhood.

As usual, I have another meanwhile to insert…. This past month I had the joy of renewing some connections with people from our first Home away from home in Minnesota. That was so special to hear from my good “old” friends. Makes me think of Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton’s somg “You Can’t Make Old Friends.”

And then the night…. That was rough. Kona would not sleep in his crate. He just whined the whole time in there. So I took him to the sofa so that Gavin and Honey could get some sleep. And every twenty seconds it seemed he tried to get away from his ouchie. Uff dah.

This morning we have been outings but not much success. Water has been sucked down a few times and he ate a soggy soup breakfast. We watched a horse movie to help me get in the “mood” for writing about Coco, the only thing that helped was the waterworks. Tears. Yep. Movie “A Sunday Horse” is the dream of a miracle horse, rider, and the jumping show business. In the end the horse lives 25 years and has to be let go. Of course, nothing lasts forever here on this earth.

Then I got the vision of Charlie and Honey being the Ken and Dolly of our farm. Oh, my. Charlie is always “bark” asking if Honey can come out to play. Today is is wet, misty, on the verge of raining. Not the best weather for the second day of February. So here goes for six more weeks until spring. Or six more weeks of winter, you decide.

(The Truth-by Gavin…. I took Kona away from his lady on Thursday and then picked him up at the vet around 3 pm. The look on the little guys face was death daggers and kill you! The next 24 hours proved the neither of them could live without me. After a completely sleepless night, She told me to come with solutions or don’t come home at all. WOW! And I thought we all loved each other. So I came home with some drugs for dogs and a reprieve for my poor wife. Just saying those melatonin chamomile chews for the dog worked great. And she’ll never know that the oatmeal cookies I made for her are full of vallium. Okay I might be kidding about that one. Calming treats do work though. Love you dear!)

Little Black Beads: Kona’s Journal

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“The shiney parts”…. The first week or so with Kona my granddaughter told me that at first she could not see his eyes. I know I replied he is all black and it’s hard to tell. Then she stated that now she could see his eyes just fine because those are the “shiney parts!” Like little black beads on a toy, they are very reflective of any light.

Doing chores every day is something I am used to. Part of living on a “homestead” with animals is chores. First there were dogs and sheep. Then the horse came along and there were cats added tot he numbers. The sheep have long since left and now the numbers of others is even lower. From nine cats down to three is quite the reduction. And the horse is gone also. One day not too long ago I actually heard the “phantom” whiney of the horse as I walked out the door. It had been awhile since that happened. Nevertheless, chores are a part of my everyday exercixe regimen.

Kona’s week nine and ten have gone by pretty fast. I was busy on a poncho and a baby blanket crocheting. So the writing took a back burner. I also had a few upkeep things to do in the greenhouse. We are still witing for baby to come along (grand baby number four),.

“Play nice” is the new saying I repeat often. The two indoor furries have been trying to make “flurries” with their rambunctious play. The other day the two of them finally decided to play and Honey knocked over the kitchen chair. Today they were running through the house after each other. I almost regretted my second indoor dog purchase.

Kona is still trying to figure out my pregnant daughter. The extra heartbeat has him tipping his head this way and that as she gets a few snuggles from him. I am just so excited to see what baby looks like.

I finished the canine psychology book on mirror feelings. There are times that I just don’t want my dog to mirror my anxiety. Her hyper jump up and down rather than settle is so unhelpful when I am trying to get a “frenzy” of activity done. Like cleaning the house or something. Especially when it’s time to walk out the door. Honey just will not settle and watch and wait while I prepare all of my belongings for “the go.” Kona tends to sit and wait a little better.

Physical feelings: cold, hot, pain, hunger, etcetera are not the same as ones emotional feelings. Trying to get in touch with my feelings might actually take some time. As a child I don’t believe my emotional feelings were ever validated. Physical punishment was used to inflict both pain on my behind and shame in my heart. I learned that my physical pain of asthma was not something my parents were willing to pay money for and get me medical help. I had to let go of all the “want” to be cared for in my deepest need for air. My mother would say, don’t cry, it only makes it worse. Stop crying because I could not catch my breath after the lawn had been mowed and the windows were all left open, and my asthma kept me up at night. I had to stuff my feelings down under neath something and just breath, which I could not do because of the asthma.

If my dogs are here to reflect my emotional energy and show me how to heal myself… then here I go. Let’s make a list of emotions first and then try to decipher when those emotions surface and why.

Emotional feelings: happy, disgusted, embarrassment, surprise, satisfied, love, frustration, envy, contempt, hatred, self confidence, annoyance, compassion, jealousy, pride, anger, fear, sadness, anxiety, shame, boredom, guilt, loneliness, depression. All of these feelings have been stuffed under for so long. There was a time that I felt free to cry and be sad. When I lost my drivers license and my previous Shih Tzu “Furbie.” But the sad just would not stop. I had help for a couple of years trying to turn off the sad and look for happy. Butthe feelings only got wiped off the heart monitor and finding happy was so hard.

I remember when we put the dog that doesn’t deserve a name down to rest, my heart just went blank. We had some major happenings in the next few months and I struggled to feel anything at all. Finding a happy place was so hard.

My green house became my happy place. Digging in the dirt and planting things was therapeutic. For me. It took me nearly three or four years of garden keeping to finally decide this was the new me. Garden Oma with all of my pets etcetera. I still struggle to “happy” in the house. The walls don’t talk back, you know.

Raising my girls was such a busy fulfilling time for me. Home schooling was the best use of all my talents. Now, I am just struggling to come up with who me really is. No one understands just how empty the nest can feel when it is empty of children.

And so the grand children come along. And then we see just how small our house really is. The “Tiny House” movement is such an impossible way of life unless there the OUTDOORS. And so that’s what coming here means to the children. Lots of time outside.

Putting practice into my learning or learning into my practice. Yesterday at my daughter’s I found it quite frustrating that Kona kept his nose to the ground so intently that he had no focuse for me or the task at hand. Like going potty on command to be exacta. In fact he spend so much of his out door time grabbing the bunny “scat” into his mouth that by mid afernoon, I knew that he had a tummy ache. Immediately upon our exit to head home in the evening, he lost the “lunch” on the deck outside.

thank goodness it was outside! It had been a rough day otherwixe and one more mess to clean up in the house might have put us all over the edge!

Today, I took a ball outdoors with us for a couple of the walks to get his focus back unto me. Of course, I’m not sure how this will play out through the week into next visit to the “bunny yard.”

Finally got Charlie to play for 2 minutes. He likes tug of war I guess.

Today feelings and Honey not bring frisbee back. Anger gets way up. Why does she play keep away? We never taught her that? The tease play is not fun at all. It’s like she thrives at full throttle and prefers us to be in total exasperation. So while this is a few days later… I have tried not saying any thing at all while tossing the frisbee. Does not hlep that I am usually cold also. So being out there is really a frustrating exercise chore.

Well, I’m going to quit. It’s only one week until Christmas. Time to try to tap into some joy, happiness, love, hope, and peace.

Kona Week Eight: Kona’s Journal

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The holiday went well. Though it was cold. Therefore Honey had to be put in the greenhouse for two rest times as we kicked her out of the house for all of the people and foot traffic. She did okay. It was nice enough to go for a couple of walks. And Gavin did a great job following the menu that I posted on the cupboard door for him.

The day after was the more challenging. We had grands overnight. Poor little one did not have her lovey stuffee and she spent all night crying for “Lala!” Poor little thing. And my mother drive home with my sister worried into knots. Apparently my mother is having some changes in her vision that makes driving a little more nerve wrecking. I understand she is going to visit the eye doctor soon.

We did not get the Christmas tree up the day after Thanksgiving. That has been a historical occurrence in our household. Some people put up the tree early, some late. I do it when I am in the mood. And because it involves so much eyesight, my mood does not get there very early.

We were busy again trying to get to set up garage. We bought a heater so we can do some projects in the warmth. It needs a heat shield up in the rafters yet. So while he was doing that, I also moved some tender plants to house . The roaster of succulents was the biggest one. There are two other ones. Though they are in the library, I am not happy with the “forget-able” factor.

We decided the canine virus is too risky and so we are keeping Honey home this month. Neighbors sitters are amazing. So glad that we have someone willing to help us out. Taking Kona with me yet to daughter’s house. Not much time left until grand baby number four arrives.

So the tree in the e house not up yet. I will get to it soon. I might even do it today. I am still reading “your dog is your mirror.” And now I feel like I will need to read it again to decode my own emotional input into my dogs. The most I have learned so far is that I need to let them be dogs and find out what they want. Kona’s week eight ended with a new bed for the crate that he sleeps in. I can wash up the towels and save them for just bath times.

Kona Week Six: Kona’s Journal

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This week I finally found the 12 week puppy training / socialization plan for Shih Tzu puppies. It is actually quite helpful. I thought the potty training and feeding times would be included, but not so much. So far I think we are doing okay..

A couple of weeks ago I wrote out a two hour increments schedule for the puppy, but he was still on four meals a day. The first week to 10 days I did a free feed on the recommended amount for his weight. Then I moved to four meals with the food in a plastic storage for the day. At four weeks I moved him to three times a day so the potty breaks would be more consistent. Kona has really been such a good little dog. he only has greeting pee accidents on occasion.

Kona has the first nine words learned quite well. Sit, Go Potty, Down, Look-At-Me, Stay, Please, Paw, Roll Over, and Leave It. I’m sure Okay is also one of them, as it is our “release” cue for getting up from his position for meal consumption. These words could be put into a weekly training list. But really Sit/Stay is the most important outside of whatever one uses for potty break. I have never had a puppy that did stay so well the first two weeks into training. We use his meal time as rehearsals. And then he gets to show off for new people all the time.

This weekend we took our first road trip with just Kona. We left Charlie home as always. But this time Honey stayed home also. Our visiting event was an indoor reception so I felt Honey would be cooped up too long in the pickup. My daughter was able to come up and let her out for a play session half way thru the day. She was just fine, but a little cold when we got home that evening. And surprising to me was that she did not get full of burs and such.

Kona attended his first little kid birthday party on Sunday. He was very good with all the petting and greeting. And his tail wagged a little “you did it!” When a six month old little boy rolled over. It was fun to watch him “applaud” the baby with a tail wag. The little kids are the best social experience for him. And watching the ones that were once afraid of dogs learn to interact is a joy. Of course, confession time, is that I lost track of his next potty break and he had a greeting accident because I left the room. Oh, well. I’ll try to do better.

What else have I learned this week?

Family begins to loose their communication lines when distance is allowed to become a factor. I am still surprised at how my family does not choose to rejoice in each other’s happenings. It’s rather painful. I guess maybe I want everyone to be included in celebrations and such. Yet the family lines are drawn and each chooses to share only what they so choose. Sometimes divorce plays a large role in all of this talk / share. Sometimes it is the lifestyle choices of others.

And then when I think maybe my family might be dysfunctional, I find out someone else’s is far worse. So I guess I can be super happy that we were all together for a common cause and got to have a siblings picture taken at the occasion. And we have all been blessed with health until this writing anyways.

Not exactly Black vs. White but the contrast between my two softies is so interesting. My love for the larger has waned some. Not that I want to be rid of her, it’s just that her “hyper” has never really settled enough for me. And her aptitude to run off and be independent always throws me off a bit. She just is not singular in her affection to me either. Nevertheless she is a good girl. And quite easy care at minimal attention except for when there is someone else around. I guess maybe i learned that the top quality of a dog for me should be loyalty, then friendliness. Friendliness first leads to difficulty in obedience training.

Charlie is so independent that I can’t get any loyal obedience out of him. He has been a bit snarky at delivery people. And that might prove to be an issue. We might have to put up a sign for them to greet him by by name with enthusiasm, so he thinks that they know him. Anyone in the family he meets is greeting forthcoming with much joy. So we’ll see how the future shapes him.

Kona is quite loyal to the point of separation anxiety. I’m trying not to creat a co-dependent puppy. But when all he has is me… and the hand that feeds him… well that’s just how the kibbles roll. Will have to start letting my husband feed him supper I suppose.

And one final note on this past week, Kona got his first “pathetic” haircut. Yeah, I know I did not do the best job, But he can see, I can see his face, and he’s easier to comb thru and clean up. So there. On we go into the next week.