“The shiney parts”…. The first week or so with Kona my granddaughter told me that at first she could not see his eyes. I know I replied he is all black and it’s hard to tell. Then she stated that now she could see his eyes just fine because those are the “shiney parts!” Like little black beads on a toy, they are very reflective of any light.
Doing chores every day is something I am used to. Part of living on a “homestead” with animals is chores. First there were dogs and sheep. Then the horse came along and there were cats added tot he numbers. The sheep have long since left and now the numbers of others is even lower. From nine cats down to three is quite the reduction. And the horse is gone also. One day not too long ago I actually heard the “phantom” whiney of the horse as I walked out the door. It had been awhile since that happened. Nevertheless, chores are a part of my everyday exercixe regimen.
Kona’s week nine and ten have gone by pretty fast. I was busy on a poncho and a baby blanket crocheting. So the writing took a back burner. I also had a few upkeep things to do in the greenhouse. We are still witing for baby to come along (grand baby number four),.
“Play nice” is the new saying I repeat often. The two indoor furries have been trying to make “flurries” with their rambunctious play. The other day the two of them finally decided to play and Honey knocked over the kitchen chair. Today they were running through the house after each other. I almost regretted my second indoor dog purchase.
Kona is still trying to figure out my pregnant daughter. The extra heartbeat has him tipping his head this way and that as she gets a few snuggles from him. I am just so excited to see what baby looks like.
I finished the canine psychology book on mirror feelings. There are times that I just don’t want my dog to mirror my anxiety. Her hyper jump up and down rather than settle is so unhelpful when I am trying to get a “frenzy” of activity done. Like cleaning the house or something. Especially when it’s time to walk out the door. Honey just will not settle and watch and wait while I prepare all of my belongings for “the go.” Kona tends to sit and wait a little better.
Physical feelings: cold, hot, pain, hunger, etcetera are not the same as ones emotional feelings. Trying to get in touch with my feelings might actually take some time. As a child I don’t believe my emotional feelings were ever validated. Physical punishment was used to inflict both pain on my behind and shame in my heart. I learned that my physical pain of asthma was not something my parents were willing to pay money for and get me medical help. I had to let go of all the “want” to be cared for in my deepest need for air. My mother would say, don’t cry, it only makes it worse. Stop crying because I could not catch my breath after the lawn had been mowed and the windows were all left open, and my asthma kept me up at night. I had to stuff my feelings down under neath something and just breath, which I could not do because of the asthma.
If my dogs are here to reflect my emotional energy and show me how to heal myself… then here I go. Let’s make a list of emotions first and then try to decipher when those emotions surface and why.
Emotional feelings: happy, disgusted, embarrassment, surprise, satisfied, love, frustration, envy, contempt, hatred, self confidence, annoyance, compassion, jealousy, pride, anger, fear, sadness, anxiety, shame, boredom, guilt, loneliness, depression. All of these feelings have been stuffed under for so long. There was a time that I felt free to cry and be sad. When I lost my drivers license and my previous Shih Tzu “Furbie.” But the sad just would not stop. I had help for a couple of years trying to turn off the sad and look for happy. Butthe feelings only got wiped off the heart monitor and finding happy was so hard.
I remember when we put the dog that doesn’t deserve a name down to rest, my heart just went blank. We had some major happenings in the next few months and I struggled to feel anything at all. Finding a happy place was so hard.
My green house became my happy place. Digging in the dirt and planting things was therapeutic. For me. It took me nearly three or four years of garden keeping to finally decide this was the new me. Garden Oma with all of my pets etcetera. I still struggle to “happy” in the house. The walls don’t talk back, you know.
Raising my girls was such a busy fulfilling time for me. Home schooling was the best use of all my talents. Now, I am just struggling to come up with who me really is. No one understands just how empty the nest can feel when it is empty of children.
And so the grand children come along. And then we see just how small our house really is. The “Tiny House” movement is such an impossible way of life unless there the OUTDOORS. And so that’s what coming here means to the children. Lots of time outside.
Putting practice into my learning or learning into my practice. Yesterday at my daughter’s I found it quite frustrating that Kona kept his nose to the ground so intently that he had no focuse for me or the task at hand. Like going potty on command to be exacta. In fact he spend so much of his out door time grabbing the bunny “scat” into his mouth that by mid afernoon, I knew that he had a tummy ache. Immediately upon our exit to head home in the evening, he lost the “lunch” on the deck outside.
thank goodness it was outside! It had been a rough day otherwixe and one more mess to clean up in the house might have put us all over the edge!
Today, I took a ball outdoors with us for a couple of the walks to get his focus back unto me. Of course, I’m not sure how this will play out through the week into next visit to the “bunny yard.”
Finally got Charlie to play for 2 minutes. He likes tug of war I guess.
Today feelings and Honey not bring frisbee back. Anger gets way up. Why does she play keep away? We never taught her that? The tease play is not fun at all. It’s like she thrives at full throttle and prefers us to be in total exasperation. So while this is a few days later… I have tried not saying any thing at all while tossing the frisbee. Does not hlep that I am usually cold also. So being out there is really a frustrating exercise chore.
Well, I’m going to quit. It’s only one week until Christmas. Time to try to tap into some joy, happiness, love, hope, and peace.
